Saying the Hard Thing, Hearing the Hard Thing: Feedback Is a Skill You Can Build

Most of us were never taught how to have a tough conversation. In this Learning Forward article, Jennifer Abrams shares four practices, two for delivering difficult feedback and two for receiving it, that help leaders build a school culture where candor feels safe.

Abrams, a communications consultant and the author of Having Hard Conversations, starts from a simple observation: schools need honest, sometimes uncomfortable conversations to keep growing, yet leadership preparation tends to focus on lesson planning and meeting logistics rather than on how adults talk with one another. She treats "saying the hard thing" and "hearing the hard thing" as two separate professional skills, and both can be improved with practice.

Saying the Hard Thing

• Describe behavior, not character. Open with a professional description of what you actually observed rather than a label or a judgment. Labels invite defensiveness, and if you haven't observed the issue yourself, the conversation is really an inquiry. Abrams outlines a sequence: begin with genuine positive intent, frame the issue professionally, offer a specific example, explain the impact, make a clear request, and invite dialogue. (Situation|Behavior|Impact)

• Say less, then be quiet. Many leaders blur a message by over-explaining, over-apologizing, or rushing to rescue the listener. A short, clear statement followed by silence gives the other person room to think and respond.

Hearing the Hard Thing

• Suspend certainty. Hold your own view loosely enough to take in something new. Ask "What am I missing?" instead of explaining why you're right, and look for the part of the feedback that may be accurate. As her tea-cup parable puts it, a full cup can't receive anything more.

• Treat your reactions as a skill to build. Some people experience feedback as a threat, and the physical response is real. Slow breaths, asking for a moment to reflect, and remembering that feedback is input rather than a verdict on who you are can all help.

For school leaders, her takeaways are to make feedback a routine part of the culture, model how you receive it yourself, give staff language to use when they feel defensive, and practice with scripts and realistic scenarios. 

A way to use it with your mentoring partner: pick one conversation you've been putting off and talk through how you might open it using the sequence above, then switch roles and practice receiving it.

Read the full article: "Giving and Accepting Feedback Is a Professional Capacity That Can Be Improved" by Jennifer Abrams, Learning Forward, August 24, 2026.